This weekend I was given news that reminded me of this fact of life. I was told that my grandfather was very ill and in the hospital. Then today we got an update that was not good, it seems that he will not recover and will be gone soon. I cannot express the amount of anger and grief this news gave me. Anger because after thinking about the last time I saw him, I realized it was 7 years ago, almost to the day, unfortunately this is so easy to figure out because my grandmother passed on a few days after Dominic was born, and he turns seven on Wednesday.
It seemed so easy to say I will visit next year, because now is not the right time, or I don't have enough time or any other excuses, and now it seems it is too late. The hardest part of thinking about my grandfather is that he had lost most of his memory, it is hard to think about visiting a person who doesn't know who you are, but it's always worth a try. A chance that I will not get now, I will never know if he would remember me. I will never know what he became, because I was always too busy. I love my Grandfather very much and have a lot of fond memories with him, like when he taught me how to play poker, or took us to the shooting range, or showed us how to fashion a bullet. I know these are odd things for a kid to learn, but it is what he knew how to do, and passed that knowledge on to his grand kids.
The grief has not even fully set in yet, and I don't look forward to it, but I know I have seven stages to get through.
SHOCK & DENIAL
PAIN & GUILT
ANGER & BARGAINING
"DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS
THE UPWARD TURN
RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH
ACCEPTANCE & HOPE
Though I am the first to admit I do not handle emotions like a 'normal person' I also have to say there is something to going through all seven stages to properly grieve a loss. I also happen to think I don't go through the stages in order, I wouldn't be me if I did things in order.
My grandfather is an amazing person and I will always remember how he accepted me as I was, I never felt as if wanted more from me, or expected me to be anyone other than myself. I will always love my grandfather and keep him with me at all times. I hope that his journey is fast and painless, and when he gets to the other side I hope he knows how much I love him and my grandmother.
With a heavy heart
Melissa #1
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I just found your guys' blog, thanks to a handy facebook update. I was happily reading through your posts (both of you are so smart, self-aware, and good-hearted!), and of course this post tugged on me. Maybe I shouldn't have been perusing these at work, because I definitely had to choke down a couple of tears in front of the customers.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to say that when I heard about Grampa, I had exactly the same reaction. My mind immediately raced back to the last time I saw him (shortly after Gramma passing away), and then even further back to the time he played fancy waiter for our tea party at their house in San Diego. The time he shot a watermelon and a 2x4 to teach us about gun safety. His patent suspenders. I thought about how long its been since I saw him face-to-face, and how even if I did, would I be able to handle the pain of his not recognizing me?
Needless to say, I hopped on expedia.com and started looking for flights to San Diego, expecting to have to rush in for the funeral. I lost my other Grandfather on my Dad's side in August, when I had just moved to Italy, and I got talked out of coming to the funeral, something I now regret, and I wasn't about to make the same mistake twice.
When I heard that he had recovered, that a miracle had brought him back and he was being checked out of his hospital room, it was almost as tough a blow. He's back, but where am I? Still conspiculously far away and out of his life, regardless of whether or not he remembers who I am.
I'm still thinking about that plane ticket. About how long it's been since we were all in the same place together. About the irony that Gramma always wanted to have the family all together, and it only ever happened at her funeral. It got me thinking. Maybe it's time for a reunion, sooner than later.