Drifting

For those of you scoring at home, the following post was written by my (Melissa #2) brother's wife, Felice. She completed her tour of service in the US Army and was made a part of the IRR (inactive ready reserve) right when my brother left to go to Iraq for 18 months. He got back home last Christmas, and the following Veterans Day, they received a knock on their door. It was a fedex carrier giving Felice her paperwork reactivating and deploying her. She is now overseas and desperately missing her two children. Here is her post:

Melissa invited me to be part of the blog and I am going to give it my best shot. I am stuck in the middle of the desert and am not too thrilled. It is very difficult being a mom and not being able to be around my kids. I am trying to parent from afar and I feel as though it doesn't make much of a difference. I feel lost for the most part. When I am at home I have a clear goal in mind, take care of the kids and Jonathan. Without that, I don't really know what to do with myself. I always wanted more time to myself and now I have too much time. I start thinking of what I could have done or should have done differently when I was home with them. I realize that all that thinking will just make me sad and depressed, so I am trying to get past that. It is weird not really living here. I drift through every day. At home, I live in two minute increments, or so. I know that I should be doing something or one of the kids need me. Here, I really don't have anything to anchor me. They days drag together and I don't look forward to the next one. I am living for a moment months away.

So, it comes to what I can do to try and improve my overall happiness while I am here. That is definetly a work in progress. It's awkward showing up to a unit where I don't know anyone and they already have the friends. They all know that I am the new girl and treat me accordingly. I can't honestly say that I have made any friends yet. Sure, I have only been here about two weeks, so I have to give it more time. I know eventually that I will have people that I want to be around and vice versa. Until then, I try and reach out and if it doesn't work out I try somebody else. I find it very difficult to be in the position where I have to make friends again.

Alas, fear not, I do have some positive things to say. I enjoy my job, a lot. It is nice being useful and learning new things. Working night shift also puts a giant smile on my face. I get to avoid both the upper rank echelon and get to sleep during the hottest part of the day. I am going to the gym everyday, which in turn makes my clothes too big for me. I play basketball every Friday night and lose with a smile on my face. At work, I get to talk a lot of trash. I mean A LOT of trash to the guys that also make me happy. I guess the two biggest things that make me happy are making my family proud of me. That means so much and I can't express how happy that makes me. Lastly, putting on this damn uniform is one of the happiest moments of my day. I know that I came back to the Army kicking and screaming, but there was a purpose. I can honestly say that I missed the Army, all the stupid rules and wacky regulations. I know that sure I may not be in Iraq or Afghanistan, but I am doing something my country. I am helping somebody accomplish their mission.

I know that I have a lot of things I need to fix about my current attitude. I have some horrible days and some not so horrible ones. I am on a mission to leave this place with a great attitude and a positive outlook on life. Am I going to get there soon? No. I have months to figure out how this will all play out.

Felice